in a rut.

I want to love my church. I really do.

But it’s so hard. the intellectual reasoning of why the virgin birth was so important doesn’t really matter to me. I dig Jesus. I just want to learn about how to love him more. For some people, I know that engages them. but i’m an artist. that burns me up. makes me feel like school. it sucks.

i just want to design lights. be out of school. live life. paint. take pictures.

some intellectual told me today that i don’t love jesus because i don’t dress up for church.
i think dressing up puts me in a club that’s uncomfortable for people that don’t know jesus. I don’t understand the respect issue. if my friends came over to my house, i’d want them to dress like they want. not like a cookie cutter christian.

jesus…i love you. it’s just hard right now to love your people.

…suck…

Don’t feel creative…can’t feel creative…

had a headache for too many hours today- it all started during trig.
that class is way too far above my level.

i felt like poop until a couple hours after my nap, and even now I still hint at a headache.
i don’t want this year to turn out like last.
or the year before
always having headaches
feeling like poop
when I try hard in school
and actually pass

i’m afraid i won’t get out this year.
my parent’s aren’t afraid though.

we’ll see.

Painting.

Been painting alot lately…had alot of free time in the past couple days.

I always want to shoot more. But never have the time or space.
Hopefully my brother and I will go out when he’s over later this week.

I want this school year to end and me to pass. It sucks and I keep telling myself about how when I’m 50 I’ll remember how much school sucked and watch my teenagers fail out.
Actually, they’ll probably pass with flying colors and drive me up the wall.

Can’t wait to go full time at my job once I get out of school. I’ll buy a lappy and then be able to do TONS of photography because I don’t have to worry about time to edit. I’ll be doing loads of corporate events, with tons of time to sit around and sleep(er…edit photos)…